I Tried BDSM Dating Sites & This Is What I Learned

Posted on June 20, 2020

I don’t know that I’m a truly masochistic or sadomasochistic being. When I see ball clamp devices, or nipple torture, I feel no sexual impulse. For that reason, I’ve always felt I don’t really mesh with the whole BDSM dating scene. But alas, there’s another side to me peppered with just enough freaky kinky fetish desire to qualify for at least a little playful experimentation.

As I embarked on my BDSM fetish dating journey, I needed to understand exactly how much I could pump the brakes in a vertical that feels almost Autobahn-ish in its nature.

And it isn’t as if I hang out with femdom girls on the regular.

I had problems to solve and fantasies to experience. I’d do both. And I’d learn a heck of a lot.

Building a BDSM Dating Site Profile

To begin my journey, I signed up for a BDSM dating site. Once I got my profile, I realized I needed to nail down (pun intended) a number of vital details about myself before I started chatting with any femdoms or submissives.

In BDSM, the details matter. Miscommunications cause unintended and painful consequences. BDSM dating thrives when communication is on point, but fails when the messaging falters. It’s important to have your ducks in an exact, orderly row prior to taking that next step.

The first step is defining who you are exactly and how your desires relate to BDSM dating. Otherwise, you’ll become overwhelmed by some of the extreme visuals you see online.

Who Am I?

I’m a regular Joe with a prickly desire for a little rougher sex. I enjoy the idea of a dominant woman spanking and slapping me. I’m OK, to some degree, with a paddle, belt, or flog. A switch that may break skin feels hyperspeed to me. I enjoy masturbating in front of girls who humiliate me. I’m not turned on by doggy dishes and pet leashes. I don’t want to be tied to bed posts.

Likewise, I fantasize about spanking girls similarly to what I’ve confessed for my own masochistic desire. I desire commanding a girl to give me a blowjob or even handjob, or remove her clothes and spread her legs for my ultimate pleasure.

I’m as sadomasochistic as I am masochistic. I swing both ways. I know what you’re thinking, this all feels impossible. However, the reality is, one mindset doesn’t eliminate the existence of the other. You can be both sadist and masochist at the same time. I am, to pretty much equal degrees.

I’m nearly the same distance in either way. I don’t desire tying a girl to a post anymore than I desire her tying me to a post. I don’t crave torturing her nipples and certainly, leave mine alone.

I’m a hybrid. And that’s fine and well. Maybe a little change in the room’s lighting makes one a little more intense than the other, but I’m always OK masturbating to either fantasy.

Additionally, I like my BDSM in a more realistic based world. I don’t need a leather-laden femdom with whips swinging in hand. I’m not totally opposed, but there is something about a sexy housewife telling me its time for my spanking that really does it for me. Likewise, I enjoy spanking a girl who’s never experienced any discipline.

What I Learned?

It’s all out there. There are more people on BDSM dating sites like me than there are those who prowl for more extreme sexual situations. And the BDSM community is cool with that. It’s a pretty non-judgmental space. The only thing it disrespects are BDSM tourists who don’t communicate their true desires.

Because I defined where I fit in, I opened a ton of options in the dating space. I didn’t just see some hot dominatrix girl and think, “eh, screw it, I will let her ball gag me just to be near a super hot girl.” That’s the recipe for failure and fallout.

Communication Is At The Heart of BDSM Dating

BDSM comes with inherent risks. You are either receiving pain, or inflicting it, in some way. That pain is often physical, but can be mental. Its a cautionary experience that should never be taken lightly.

Poor communicators do not thrive in BDSM dating communities. This is because pain, mental or physical, is a risk. If someone doesn’t understand messaging, they may get hurt and decide you hurt them recklessly.

Its important to be a clear communicator and know exactly what you want.

BDSM singles rely on safe-words, or words that stop action. Typically, these words are random. Rather than “no” or “stop,” which turn a lot of BDSM participants on to use or hear, they use words like “lamp” or “laundry.”

The word needs to be easy on the ears so that it stops action.

I made a simple checklist to help improve my communication. Here’s the thing, if your communication regarding your BDSM dating desires is clear and on-point, the dominatrixes or submissives you interact with will be more comfortable continuing the vetting process with you.

• Spanking: Red and purple marks acceptable, no broken skin. May request breaks in action. Acceptable devices both ways - paddle, belt, hand, flogger.
• No Restraints. No tying to bed posts or handcuffs on me, or you.
• Always Want To Finish: This is hugely important. For me, BDSM gets my engine revved. It turns me on. I want to cum and cum hard. But in BDSM, that’s not an implied outcome. So you need to specify. For me, I want the girl to eventually reward me with a sexual act that prompts me to cum. This automatically put me in a minority because a lot of dominant femdoms prefer that you jerk off either in front of her, or at home when you are done. They want you to hold out, also, for a very long while. Be clear. Find the right girl. Submissives, of course, barter sexual exchange, because that’s nearly the definition of the role and desire.
• No nipple or genital torture.

That’s a simple, yet clear list, that gives the BDSM girl I chat with a great idea of my basic checkboxes.

But BDSM is too complicated to leave things at that. You need to express your more complex fantasies so that you find exactly the right match.

Here’s what I wrote:

Ideally, you are a housewife type, ages 30 to 45. This is for both a submissive or dominant. You can be slightly uncomfortable with dominant sexual acts, but not so much that you can’t cause a bruise or eventually give a command. I’m cool with your sexual dominance evolution, so long as it progresses.

If I dominate you, its highly mental. I’ll tell you went to provide me with blowjobs, handjobs, or sex. The sex won’t be overly rough. I spank you when you don’t call me “sir” during a sexual act or when you remark negatively about your body. You’ll never be restrained, rather, told how to position your body for my needs.

If you dominate me, I expect to be spanked, sometimes slapped, for disregarding your intellect. I want to act chauvinistic and have you put me in my place. But I also want to know I will receive a blowjob or sex for enduring my training. You should hold the sex act over my head to make sure I comply with your punishments.

You don’t need to dress the part of leather lace.

Those instructions are clear, concise, and give the girl insight into what being my submissive or dominant might be like.

BDSM Dating Sites and Communication

BDSM singles sniff out sex tourists immediately. There is no community more prone to people just wanting to jerk off to chat, but not follow through with action, than BDSM dating communities.

If you just like BDSM porn, then go to Pornhub.

BDSM communities do appreciate online domination and submission, but not just someone who wants to lure a hot girl into erotic chat.

While vetting is important, it should be done with good faith of trying to find the right BDSM partner.

BDSM singles want communication. But you must read what they are all about and craft your messaging accordingly.

For example, when I see a girl I’m interested in and she’s femdom, I make sure my messaging is respectful and submissive in nature. It’s important to get your journey started in the right direction. It also shows the girl that you understand the nature of the potential future relationship.

Tips To Successful Date a BDSM Single

All that said, allow me to put down some quick, digestible points to help you find the right match for living out BDSM fantasies.

Join a BDSM dating site. Don’t rely on talking your college female friend into a good spanking session. While you aren’t a full-fledged gentle torture candidate, you are mentally beyond the amatuer stuff. You need some organization and boundaries.

Write out an honest BDSM profile. List what you like, both mentally and physically. Provide examples of sexual experiences you’d enjoy having.

Communicate clearly and in an appropriate tone. While vetting a potential BDSM partner, make sure to establish a submissive voice if the girl is dominant. If she’s submissive, you can be dominant in your tone, but don’t go overboard, figure out what she likes in that respect prior to messaging.

Establish safe-words.

What BDSM Isn’t

It isn’t solely role playing. BDSM involves some form of pain or humiliation in one direction or the other. If you are having elaborate sexual fantasies regarding costumes or sci-fi, or even furry sex, you might explore the world of cosplay sex. There are cosplay dating sites that may be better suited for your needs.

Its important to understand the world of BDSM fully before you embark on a journey.

Conclusion

In the end, the BDSM dating world is a fun, energetic, but savagely strict community. Those of us who enjoy light BDSM most certainly can find our place in the community using BDSM dating sites. It’s important to be honest about what we enjoy sexually and be willing to communicate that in exact terms to potential partners.